


This Strange Thing They Do

by Emiline



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Canonical Anti-Kissing Sentiments, Gen, Season/Series 02, Season/Series 02 Spoilers, a smidge of Janet and the gang
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-08-25 05:57:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16655512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emiline/pseuds/Emiline
Summary: ...and really, it said a lot about the inherent failures of the human race that they would willingly mash their food holes together.Michael tries to solve the kissing problem.





	This Strange Thing They Do

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place in episode 2 of the second season, if you have not gotten that far in your viewing yet turn back, for here be massive spoilers.
> 
> You'll notice I've borrowed a few pieces of Michael's lines directly from the show, primarily from his magnificent "kissing is gross" rant and the bit where he asks Janet to chill.
> 
> Disclaimer: Not my characters (just borrowing 'em!) and I make no profit from this.

Michael had confidently told Shawn he’d thought of everything, but that was brassy, bold-faced whopper of epic proportions.

It turned out there were a lot of things he hadn’t thought through, especially with the whole ‘soulmates’ plan.

Such as kissing, which was gross, and really, it said a lot about the inherent failures of the human race that they would willingly mash their food holes together.

“It’s so….unsanitary,” he complained to Janet during attempt #143. “And gross. It’s just gross,” he shuddered. “I mean, why would they do that? That’s what’s wrong with them you know. What’s the use of them having brains if they’re not going to think? And sure, they’re limited by their puny human brains anyway, and their ridiculously inadequate human senses, but surely you don’t need to be able to see in nine dimensions to know that kissing is gross.”

“Would you like me to research that?”

“Rhetorical questions, Janet,” he sighed. “I need a drink.”

“Certainly! What type of drink would you like? I can also list the options by base ingredient, color, toxicity, allergen, in order from most like a liquid to most like a dessert, by—”

“Whiskey will be fine, Janet.”

“Sure thing!”

* * *

After the spectacular failure of the ‘soulmate Tahani’ attempt, Michael realized he had to do something to stop this kissing business, so he instituted attempt ‘soulmate golden retriever’. Unfortunately, this did not stop Eleanor from making out with Tahani again, repeatedly, in the course of the attempt before she and Tahani jointly figured out what was going on. 

The next twelve attempts were all variations on platonic soulmates before Michael gave those up in a disgusted huff. 

Later, he tried a version where public displays of affection were verboten. Thirty minutes after that attempt’s inception, twenty-five of which were spent in an increasingly heated argument with Eleanor, she yelled at him that this must be “The Bad Place” and threw half of his paperclip collection across the room. One of the paperclips stuck into Doug Forcett’s nose, which, Michael had to admit, _was_ kind of funny. But there really was no call for her to make such a mess. 

“Oh yeah, well maybe _you’re_ The Bad Place,” he’d yelled back.

“That—” she scrunched her face, “that doesn’t even make any sense.”

“I don’t have to make sense. Architect’s prerogative.”

It only went downhill from there.

* * *

He mentioned the problem to Vicky once, in an attempt to distract her from her current complaint. 

“Of course it’s gross,” she replied. “But humans _are_ gross, what did you expect? Now about this plan of yours to have a mutant-giraffe park…”

It was not until attempt #714 failed that Michael finally gave up the idea of eradicating the scourge of kissing. 

They were three months into that attempt when Michael walked in Yogurt Youguhte You-go-gurt to find Eleanor and Chidi kissing over a double-rainbow bubblegum swirl.

“Oh for the love of—come on guys, why do you do this to me? Do you enjoy torturing me with your gross little human habits and your weird elbows and your stupid little human noses, which by the way are another good reason not to kiss because you're always bumping your noses into each other, it's like your physiology is trying to save you from yourselves but do you listen? No. You never listen!”

“Uhhh…”

“Holy…Chidi, _this_ is The Bad Place!”

“Oh for the love of—I really stepped in that one didn’t I? Janet!”

“Yes, Michael?”

“Initiate procedure 27 and meet me on the beach in ten minutes.”

“You got it!”

“And Janet?”

“Yes?”

“Any chance you could chill this time?”

“Nope, I am incapable of doing so.”

Michael sighed. “Of course, why did I even ask? Carry on.”

"Roger that!


End file.
